Dec 8: Stolen

“A former thief frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a taxi.”
Directed by: Simon West, Rated: R, 96 minutes

Nicolas Cage continues to astound me. His career choices of late have been some of the worst decisions I have ever seen in an actor. However, unlike most actors who take a shit on their filmographies, Cage still brings 110% to every role he’s in and it’s quite glorious to look at. With Stolen, his latest piece of poo, we see Cage playing a master thief and channeling his inner Liam Neeson after his daughter is kidnapped (Stolen = Taken, get it?).  Cage is reunited with his Con Air director, Simon West, and we’re led to believe that the reunion would only bring all kinds of awesome, right?

I miss this man.

Cage plays William Montgomery (or Gum as his friends call him- makes sense right?) a thief who’s ridiculously good at what he does. His partner, Vincent (Josh Lucas) has been by his side for 14 years and the two have made millions together. His other partners include the always-naked-but-not-this-time Malin Akerman and LOST alum, M.C Gainey. FBI agent Tim Harlend (Danny Huston) is hot on the trail of the two and thinks that their latest heist (robbing a bank of course), will be the final moment he can actually take down Montgomery. Of course, in Hollywood fashion, betrayal is afoot and Montgomery is left with the shaft, and is indeed captured by Harlend. After eight years in prison, The Cage is let out of the cage and looks to reconnect with his daughter, Allison (Sami Gayle). Unfortunately, Vincent has quite the streak of revenge in him and can’t quite let go of a grudge, so he kidnaps Allison and demands that Montgomery give him the $12 million they stole together so long ago. Believe it or not, Montgomery actually burned all the cash after the heist and is now between a rock and a hard place in that he only has 12 hours to find another $12 million just lying around New Orleans with the feds tailing him because every con movie needs an unhealthy federal agent’s obsession with our “hero”. Oh, it’s also Mardi Gras, because it’s always Mardi Gras whenever you’re in New Orleans for a movie.

Oh look! It’s the set of that movie filmed in New Orleans.

I will admit, the heist sequences in the film are fun to watch. There’s a lot of gadgets and what not and seeing how these ‘professional’ criminals go about their job is interesting to see. That is, if you can get passed the notion that everything happening is absolutely ridiculous (using a blowtorch to melt gold bars sounds like a genius idea!). As for the rest of the movie, there isn’t a lot to enjoy. The film was made in New Orleans because of how cheap it is to make movies there, but Stolen never even tries to showcase the city. We’re left with purple and gold confetti in our eyes and all around us, but we never get to experience the city, even when the entire movie is Cage chasing someone through it. But, that’s the least of my concerns when we have The Cage and Josh Lucas at the center of the film. Cage tries to ‘connect’ with his daughter  and it’s laughable, and I can only imagine his real-life children are only scarred with his immature attempts at being a father. The film glazes over this fact to give her kidnapping more depth and emotion, but comes across as more of Cage trying to share a coloring book with a special needs kid. As for his acting, Nicolas Cage is as phoned-in as ever. He’s never present in the current moment and you continually wonder if his National Treasure secrets and riddles have gotten the best of his mind. Stolen also shows how ridiculously out-of-shape and old the man has become and his ideas of running look like the slow motion parts of Chariots of Fire (without the epic music). As for Lucas, his ex-partner turned villain, he’s more unhinged than I have ever seen. Lucas is an actor who has progressively gotten weirder and weirder and Stolen has him as this peg-legged, scar-riddled maniac that drives around in a cab. He’s almost to the point where watching him is actually kind of disgusting and his craziness just pisses you off more than anything else.

Lucas actually manages to put The Cage’s ‘hair’ to shame.

If you’re a fan of The Cage and need a fix (because we all know the guy hasn’t made a movie in years), then Stolen is for you. If you’re a fan of good movies with plot and substance, than I’d highly recommend looking the other way. Cage tries so hard to be Liam Neeson but you’re left wondering how utterly destroyed he would get at the hands of everyone’s favorite Irish Giant. His time as an action star is well past its expiration date and if the man wants to keep any credibility to his career, he needs to go back to the dramatic scene, with facial tics and normal hair cuts and/or wigs. Hell, seeing what The Cage would do for his daughter makes you think that if you were to kidnap his own first born, maybe that would motivate him to deliver a worthy performance again. “Win an Oscar or your son gets it!”, would be a great line from that movie. Unfortunately, I don’t see his career turning around anytime soon, even if his children are in danger.

The Good:
a few heist sequences that are pretty cool, but only last about five minutes
The Bad:
a weak script, poor direction, messy editing, and wondering how so many familiar faces would sign onto such garbage
The Cage:
old and out of shape, with even more signs showing he’s done as an action star

Two Cages out of Five

Overall: 5.0/10

Discussion Question: 
What can Nicolas Cage do to fix his career? Is all hope lost?

 Trailer: